Happy Birth Day, Juliet Rose!

As it has been 3 weeks now since Juliet's Birth Day, I'm going to update the blog in three parts. This is Part One- Juliet's Birth Story. Part Two will be on our two weeks in the NICU, and Part Three will be on our homecoming.

I had planned on writing a post on Monday, the 11th of January, and letting everyone know how the previous three weeks of twice-a-week non-stress testing went, and the results of the follow-up growth scan that took place that afternoon. Basically, the non-stress tests were mostly normal- I was hooked up to fetal monitors for 30 minutes, where the baby's heart rate was followed closely, making sure she was healthy and reacting to a stimulus when it was presented. They also watched for contractions. At one appointment, I was having contractions every 1 to 2 minutes, and was sent to labor and delivery to make sure I wasn't going into preterm labor. Thankfully, we learned 3 hours later that I wasn't. Other than that, the testing was relatively uneventful. Every appointment brought us a few days closer to the growth scan, and I was getting more and more anxious about it the closer it got. I was really hoping that she was continuing to grow at a healthy rate, but knew that if she wasn't, we would have to talk about delivering her early.

On the 11th, I woke up pretty late, played with our new puppy for a little while, and then started getting ready for the appointment. I was so nervous and excited to find out how our girl was doing! Before the growth scan I had another non-stress test, and let me tell you- that was the longest 30 minute appointment of them all! Finally, it was time for the growth scan! The ultrasound itself took about 45 minutes, and it was the same sort of ultrasound as our 20 week diagnostic. The tech took all of her measurements, checked her heart, brain, kidneys, major veins and arteries, and so on. As she was taking the measurements, I was paying close attention to the numbers at the bottom of the screen- they pop up with the actual measurement and the corresponding average age. I was 34 weeks and 3 days into the pregnancy at this point, but all of the measurements were saying 30-32 weeks. I became more and more nervous with each one. Once the tech was done gathering all of her numbers, she went to her computer to do the math and find out what percentile little Juliet fell into. At the last appointment she was in the 15th. Anything under the 10th percentile usually means there is a problem somewhere, and that's when the doctors really start to worry that there may be a problem. As it turned out, we were in the 8th percentile with an estimated weight of 3lbs, 14oz. As soon as I heard that number, the tears started flowing. I just lost control, I was so scared for my baby and didn't know what was wrong or how it happened or how I could fix it. It took a while, but once I calmed down, the tech took the results to the perinatologist to get her opinion, and she came in shortly after to talk to me. She said that Juliet was no longer following a normal growth curve, and that her growth rate was slowing down to a point that she felt it would be safer for her to be delivered, and given the nutrition she needs through my milk instead of the umbilical cord. The whole conversation seems like a blur to me at this point. Anyway, after telling me that she felt an early delivery was necessary, she told me that because Juliet was still in the breech position, the delivery would need to be via cesarean section. She said that the baby was too small, and I was too small, to attempt to flip her and deliver her vaginally. The whole time I was just nodding my head, slowly taking in what she was telling me. I felt like everything I had hoped for (a natural birth, no pain meds, a low stress atmosphere, and so on) was over. A cesarean was everything that I didn't want. At one point I remember asking her when she wanted to deliver her, thinking I would have a couple of days, at least, to prepare. She responded by asking me when the last time I ate was. I think my heart stopped at that point, as I realized she wanted her out that night. Of course, I broke down again, so scared for Juliet, who was being born 5 and a half weeks early, and scared for myself to have major surgery (I had never had surgery before, and was now only a few hours away from the operating room). I just wasn't prepared for it. I had known it was a possibility, but I never thought it would actually come to that. I was given a few minutes to get myself together and call Matt before they had me check in at Labor and Delivery. I called him, explained what was going on, and told him everything I needed him to bring to the hospital. He was just as worried, scared, and caught off guard as I was. Once we got everything figured out (which took a while, since we were both in so much shock over what was happening) I went to check in at L&D. I filled out some paperwork, and then went to the waiting room while they got my room ready. While I was in there waiting for Matt to meet me, I spent most of my time on the phone with my mom and my big sister, and texting a few other friends to let them know what was happening. Everyone seemed to be just as shocked as I was. Once Matt met me in the waiting room, we were moved into our room to wait until it was time for the surgery. I think we were in there for about 2 hours, but it felt like only 5 minutes. I changed into my gown, had my IV put in (quite painfully), and then signed several consent forms for the surgery. My mom called the room to wish us luck once more before we went in, which was really nice! I know she hated being so far away with everything that was going on, but I'm so glad I got to talk to her as much as I did before the surgery. Several doctors and nurses who would be in the operating room stopped by to introduce themselves. It felt like an endless parade of people whose names I had forgotten by the time the next doctor arrived. Then we were left to wait for about 30 minutes. Honestly, it was all very overwhelming, and went by in such a blur.

The surgery itself didn't last long at all. I was wheeled in to the operating room, sat on the table while they gave me the spinal anesthesia, and then I layed down while the team of nurses and doctors set up all of their equipment and hooked me up to several different monitors. Then they started pinching me to make sure the anesthesia was working. It wasn't. I could still feel pain from the pinches, especially on my left side, and so they ended up taking down the curtain, and sitting me back up to give me another round of the spinal anesthesia. This time it did work, thankfully! I was really worried I was going to feel it when they started cutting, but I didn't even know it when they started! They brought Matt in as soon as they were ready to start, which helped me calm down a lot. The anesthesiologist thought I was cold because I couldn't control my shivering, and kept offering warm blankets, but it was just nerves. As they were doing the cesarean, I could feel the pressure of them pushing and pulling and touching my skin as if I wasn't numb. It felt just like it would if someone were pushing on my belly right now, but I couldn't feel pain from the incision at all. It was such a strange sensation- I don't think I'll ever forget it. At 8:15pm, Juliet was born, and I could actually feel it when they pulled her out! I was surprised by that, and relieved, because I felt that by having a cesarean, I was missing out on the whole birthing experience. They brought her over to a warmer that was over my left shoulder, and I could catch little glimpses of her in between the doctors who were working on her. Matt got up and went over to see her and cut the umbilical cord and take a few pictures. After what felt like forever, we heard her cry for the first time, and I immediately teared up. I had been holding my breath waiting for her to cry, and as soon as I heard her, I relaxed and started breathing again. It was the most precious sound I had ever heard. Once they made sure she was ok, they swaddled her and handed her over to Matt, who brought her to the operating table so I could see her and kiss her before they took her to the NICU. I was in the operating room for another 15 or 20 minutes while they finished everything up and cleaned me off, and then I was wheeled to the recovery room for about an hour. While I was recovering, I learned that our baby girl weighed in at 4lbs 0oz, and was 17 inches long. She was long and skinny, just like I was when I was born! Just as soon as I could move my legs (which was surprisingly soon- less than an hour, considering I had had two rounds of the anesthesia) they wheeled me to my room in the Mother-Baby unit. We stopped by the NICU first so I could see Juliet. She was so beautiful, even hooked up to a million machines. I was so happy to see her, and also a little sad that I wasn't able to hold her yet and that she needed so much support. I didn't know it at the time, but she apparently needed a lot of help- more help than I realized- in those first moments, which I hate.

Throughout my pregnancy, I felt very strongly about having a natural birth. I didn't want any pain meds. I knew it would be painful, but I also knew I could handle it, and that it would be worth every minute of it when I held Juliet for the first time. I didn't want to worry about side effects from an epidural for me or the baby. I also didn't want the longer recovery that can come with a medicated birth. I was so frustrated and scared when I learned that I'd be having a cesarean. I didn't want the spinal anesthesia. I didn't want the incision or the scar from it. I didn't want the pain after the surgery, or being unable to move around easily. Once everything was said and done, the surgery wasn't as bad as I had expected. It only lasted about 30-45 minutes, instead of going through hours of labor. And as I said before, I still felt it the moment she was born. I recovered insanely fast after the surgery- I was walking the next morning, and had stopped taking the stronger pain meds within a few days, and was only taking ibuprofen. Within 5 days, I had stopped needing pain meds all together. It was still a little tender, and I was a little slow-moving, but nothing that needed medication. And believe it or not, I really like my scar. It's only about 5 inches long, and it's not very noticable at all. But really, I just like that I have it as a marker of Juliet's birth.

I still have moments where I feel like I missed out on a big part of the birthing experience, and that's a little hard to accept at times. I get frustrated when I think that someone else just decided she needed to come out early, and took that experience away from me. I also feel like I missed out on the last month of being pregnant. I really loved being pregnant (for the most part) and I do miss it. I really miss feeling her wiggling around inside me. But at the same time, I get to feel her wiggling in my arms now, and I get to watch her smile, and make faces at me and Matt every day. I love that we get to watch her grow, and we can get to know her sweet personality already. We were given an extra month with our sweet angel. She's still 2 and a half weeks away from her due date, but I can't imagine what it would be like not to know her yet.

Before I wrap up this post, I want to say a quick thank you to all of our family and friends. It has been such a crazy adventure the past 3 weeks, and your love, support, and generous gifts have made all the difference in the world! It would have been a bit much to handle without you all.

I also want to thank Matt, who was the most amazing and supportive husband through it all. He was by my side the entire time, helping me do the things I couldn't do for myself at first, walking next to me from my room to the NICU at the slowest possible speed (I think I managed to move about a foot a minute after the surgery), and telling me I looked beautiful when I felt at my absolute worst. I couldn't ask for a better husband and friend.

We love you all so much, and can't wait for you to meet our sweet baby girl!